Dear Worries #2: "I'm a 37 year old man who has been single for eight years. What do I do?"

My monthly agony aunt column.

If you’d like to submit your question for the next instalment of Dear Worries, email me on hello@natalyalobanova.com with “Dear Worries” in the subject line. All submissions will be kept anonymous.

Dear Worries,

I’m a 37 year old man and I haven’t been in a relationship in eight years. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I’m on the apps, I have a decent job, a decent hairline, and my political beliefs aren’t insane. It’s getting desperate. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Getting Desperate

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Dear Getting Desperate,

I’m sorry, I really do think that the dating scene is the worst it’s been in history. No one knows how to approach or be approached in real life yet no one wants to be on dating apps, either. Friends and family no longer facilitate any sort of opportunity to date and social life has remained fragmented and insular since Covid.

I think it’s important to try and not take rejection personally – the current dating culture is the result of something deeply personal being gamified for profit, and not a personal failure of yours.

The reality is that dating apps are not very good in showing off how eligible a partner someone is, but rather how good at marketing they are. Nice pictures are the key – not just pictures of someone who is good-looking, but tasteful, artfully taken pictures. Ones that men very rarely take of each other, let alone know how to. Yes, it’s shallow. But that is what happens when people are flattened into 2D advertisements for themselves.

I can give you some suggestions on how to curate a “good” profile, but I’m sure you’ve already read all the guides and know that you’re supposed to look like a well-rounded person with many interests, friends, and ambitions, to show yourself doing activities all while subtly hinting at your above-average height and income. Or whatever. If you haven’t, it’s worth doing. Have your female friends look over your profile and give some suggestions. Maybe even let them – or ask them! – to take some nice pictures of you.

But the truth is that only some people have a talent for marketing themselves, and many of those people are also actually quite insufferable. Marketing yourself well means having a great reach with many target consumers. But for a healthy, loving, long-term relationship, you only need one person to see your greatness, and I think that is often forgotten.

My advice is not to put all your eggs in the apps basket and not to lose hope. Do things outside of the box and socialise, at least once a week minimum and with new people, not all the same friends. Go to group tennis practice, take a pottery class, a salsa class, go to lectures and reading clubs – hell, join a church or a running club. Just do something different and fun. Focus on making friends, not finding a lover. You might not meet the love of your life at any of these activities, but you might meet a new friend who invites you to a friend-of-a-friend's dinner party and you’ll meet the love of your life there. And if not, then at least you’ve tried a bunch of new things and maybe even picked up a new hobby.

One other piece of advice – while everyone using the apps always thinks “everyone on here is so shallow”, there is often a lack of self-reflection (speaking from personal experience!) and they fail to recognise their own tendency towards shallowness. Are you treating every match as an actual human being? Not just in a way that isn’t actively disrespectful, but are you genuinely trying to foster interest in each and every person you speak to, or are you just going through the motions? Are you mindlessly swiping right on everyone (or only on the hottest people) instead of trying to filter out those who seem genuinely interesting and compatible? If not, you’re likely burnt out or need to re-evaluate your own values – either way, it’s probably worth taking a break from or quitting the apps entirely.

The main takeaway should be this, though: You only need one person. 200 new matches or just two won’t make you any less lonely if you don’t connect with any of them. Try to give every connection the respect you would want, whether you meet them in real life or not, and whether they’re romantic or platonic.

Love,

Worries

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Dear Worries,

I think my mother cares about my wedding more than I do. I got engaged at the end of the summer and she kindly agreed to pay for most of it, but it seems like ever since I agreed she has just gone wild and keeps insisting on things that are not me at all – she wants dry ice during the first dance! Most frustrating so far was the wedding dress shopping – she hates anything that isn’t a big poofy princess dress, which is so not me. I can understand why she is so excited, I am an only child and it also took us a long time to get engaged. But it’s just exhausting how she is making the day about her instead of about us. Should I just say fuck it and elope instead?

Sincerely,

Daughter of a MOBzilla