QUIZ: Can You Successfully Navigate The British Class System?
An anthropological study.
Hello everyone! Once again I am beating that favourite dead horse of mine; making jokes about the British class system. I can’t help it. I read Watching the English as a 12-year-old and found it fascinating as I was (and still am!) an immigrant from a former Soviet country so my idea of class had previously been limited to Kolhozniki and the Intelligentsia, and the book suddenly shed light on the specific peculiarities of the British and the sheer possibilities of class distinctions.
Here’s the gist of it: The class system is nebulous and completely outside of your control, at least until you are old enough to convince everyone to call you Ophelia (claiming it's a secret middle name you’ve had all along) instead of plain old Chardonnay. Therefore, where you fall on the class system is something decided for you long before you’ve exited the womb. Only the middle class truly worry about this, however, and everyone else just gets on with their lives.
How to play the quiz:
Unfortunately Substack does not support an actual quiz feature because I suppose this is not yet considered a serious literary format (BuzzFeed be damned), so here are the rules:
Ok, let’s begin!
Choose a family to be born into.
The child of a “Company Director” and his interior designer wife, based between the Cotswolds and North London.
The son of a Norman military leader about to embark on a conquest to England in 1066.
The child of a famous and controversial Silicon Valley tech billionaire.
Answer:
Okay, now that you’re born, choose one trait that will always ensure you are never mistaken for a lowly commoner.
A very loud, deep laugh and a husky voice that can only be achieved through smoking a pack of cigarettes a day behind your boarding house from the age of 13.
A penchant for game meat.
Being on the sociopathic spectrum (for political purposes).
Answer:
Okay, now choose a subject to study at University.
Law
French & Philosophy (with a year abroad)
Art
Answers:
Ok next! Choose somewhere to move to in London. You have to move to London, I’m afraid.
Shoreditch
Clapham or Battersea
Fulham
Answers:
Okay now it’s your wedding day. Where are you getting married?
In a small local church with a celebration in your parent’s back garden.
In a gorgeous remote setting in a foreign country.
In your local London registry office with a ceremony at a chic restaurant.
In a Scottish castle.
Answers:
And finally, choose something arbitrary to be vehemently opposed to:
Children wearing the colour black.
Double-barrelled names.
Anything East of Oxford Circus.
New furniture.
Answer:
The funny thing is that in the US, a preference for game meat is definitely not a marker of high social class.
I am a very middle-class American, know nothing about the British class system, and I found this hilarious. Now I know just enough to thoroughly embarrass myself at London gatherings which I would never be invited to anyway.