The Real European Division
It’s not potato vs tomato/butter vs olive oil/beer vs vodka vs wine. It's Eurovision.
I had something entirely different planned for this week, completely forgetting that this weekend was one of the most important of the year – the Eurovision Grand Finale.
The competition has always been a litmus test for international relations, and this year was no exception when we all sighed a collective sigh of relief when Austria saved us having to navigate a Tel Aviv-hosted Eurovision in 2026.
Nevertheless, I do think it at least makes an attempt at its original purpose – creating a sense of camaraderie and unity in Europe, even if only because the USA is categorically excluded.
Anyway, you may be aware of these maps demonstrating the various cultural and sociological divisions in Europe, as well as the similarities between certain groups of countries:
With that in mind, I would like to take this opportunity to introduce my own theory:
It’s more of a heat map because we all know culture is more fluid than borders. The epicentre of Ballad Europe is France, who cannot fathom sending anything but a Francophone ballad to Eurovision, probably performed by someone in all black with absolutely minimal stage design. Just a French person being French in French, and if you don’t like it you can fuck off.
One day I will take the entire nation of France hostage and force them to send a completely synthesised summer banger to Eurovision. Maybe an EDM track that heavily samples Edith Piaf. There would be dancers in striped shirts and mime outfits performing acrobatic feats with baguettes and accordians. Just for once, quite frankly, France, I’d like you guys to lean into the campiness I know you have in you.
Anyway, I digress. From the epicentre the other Francophone countries have similar vibes – notably Belgium and Switzerland. These two might occasionally divulge from this, but quite frankly the Swiss will barely speak above a whisper in a restaurant so they’re rather unlikely to be releasing any bangers. I know you might be tempted to say “But Natalya, didn’t Switzerland win in 2024 with a high BPM banger?”
This is true, but then when the winner came back this year, they performed a ballad with minimalist stage design. They simply cannot help themselves.
I’ve also included the Iberian peninsula in this – unfortunately I feel that Spain and Portugal just do not quite nail the synth sound to be true Eurodance. I think a prerequisite for Eurodance is being Vitamin D deficient.
With that in mind, it is no surprise that the epicentre of Eurodance is Sweden. Their most famous winner being Abba – the predecessor of Eurodance and also everything that is good. The Swedes know what they’re doing. I would argue that the majority of the continent is Eurodance – all of Eastern, Northern, and much of Southern Europe/the Balkans. Some countries do it better than others, of course, but wonderful things really happen when someone is from at least two of these parts (such as Belarusian/Norwegian Alexander Rybak).
The UK, if you’re wondering, is sort of neither. I feel like the UK is just not camp enough. Our English is too good, unfortunately, for rather obvious reasons. We never really lean into any cultural tropes. Our music industry is probably a little too robust for any artists with genuine promise to risk doing something “cringe”. Most of the time our entries are neither ballads nor Eurodance and more like music from an ad for a DFS sale. I really don’t know why we choose to be relegated to null points jail, though perhaps there’s an element of the British thinking we’re simply too cool and too good for this camp continental nonsense. Of course, there would be riots if ever our place in the Top Five was taken away. When I’m holding the nation of France hostage, I might take the UK hostage too and force us to send either a grime artist or Scotland’s top wedding ceilidh band – just something a touch more representative.
Finally, the two outliers – the goths (not to be mistaken with the Goths of Gotland, who are mostly Eurodance, or I’m sure would’ve been, had they had the chance).
Finland – beautiful, wonderful Finland. Ever since 2006’s winners Lordi, I have been disappointed by the lack of rock bands in elaborate monster costumes at Eurovision, but frankly Finland is always a strong contender, no matter the genre. I think they’re Sweden’s weird little brother. In that they can do Eurodance extraordinarily well (Darude, of Sandstorm fame, is a Finn) but simply choose not to, because they’re on a higher plane of existence than the rest of us and would rather send something weird and fun.
I have also included Italy in this section, despite this being the home of the greatest genre of all time – Italo-disco, a franken creation of Italian producers with limited English creating their closest approximation of American Disco after the genre went out of style stateside following Disco Demolition night. Anyway, the Italians have been very set on sending very artful goth bands in recent years, which is probably why two other countries this year made their entries specifically parodies of what it is to be an Italian. If the Italians weren’t going to do it, bizarrely the Estonians and the Sammarinese would take the burden upon themselves.
I briefly considered creating a sub-genre of “trad folk” as that seems to be consistent throughout the competition, but I think the folk songs are always sampled with a strong Eurodance vibe so it’s a bit redundant. However if you’re wondering where that would be – strictly the Eastern Bloc, with an occasional Irish entry. A bit of a shame, as actually I think the UK would do really well with a sea shanty entry.
Anyway, I am open to criticism of this theory, mostly because I did not do any research on past Eurovision entries and am just going off vibes and vague memories at 1AM. Also because I am hoping this is inflammatory enough get some really good engagement. <3
Exceptional analysis.
Best ever